


Let It Go

by chelsjadexox



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Cancer, F/M, Major character death - Freeform, im sorry omg why did i do this, terminal illness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-21
Updated: 2016-05-21
Packaged: 2018-06-09 19:27:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6920023
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chelsjadexox/pseuds/chelsjadexox
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They both knew this day was coming.<br/>(please read the warnings bc I really don't want to trigger anyone)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Let It Go

They both knew this day was coming. Jared knew Gen was doing absolutely everything she could to keep it together for him, but the touch of sadness in her eyes every time she left him at the end of the night told him the truth. She was scared. She was scared of losing him, scared of raising their kids on her own. He couldn’t blame her, not knowing what the fuck he’d do if he was in her position. He hated himself for it. Hated that he was the reason her smile didn’t touch her eyes anymore, hated that he was the reason their boys had fallen asleep without either one of their parents by their side in almost a week. He knew what the inevitable end was, and the fact it was taking so goddamn long to happen was driving him insane. He was going to die, so what the hell was taking so long? He wanted it over with. Wanted to free his wife and his family from the terror of wondering when they said goodbye at the end of each day, if it was for the last time.  He wasn’t scared of dying. He wasn’t scared of closing his eyes and not knowing if he’d ever open them again. He was scared of leaving his wife. Scared of leaving his children. That was the hardest part, knowing that he was leaving the three of them on their own.

He forced his eyes open, not at all surprised to find Gen staring across at him looking as white as a ghost. Last night had been bad, and if he knew Gen half as well as he thought he did, she’d probably stayed awake all night checking that he was breathing. Sadly, he was. He wasn’t oblivious to the slower than usual beeping of his heart monitor, his whole body feeling like it had been drained of life and he was just hanging on by a thread. He’d been up half the night throwing up, the very last of his hair falling from his head, and the sound of his wife’s manic sobbing all too vivid in his mind. He knew the end was near, and he had no idea how to put into words all the things he’d never had the chance to say. How was he supposed to convey six years’ worth of love in one afternoon? Especially when he couldn’t get out of bed and struggled for every breath. He didn’t know how he was going to do it, but he’d be damned if the last thing she remembered of him was his deafening silence. Jared shot a small smile in her direction, the way every muscle in her face relaxed at the sight letting him know she really had been convinced last night was going to be the last night.

“Hey, you.” He breathed, his voice sounding like he was a sixty year old smoker on death’s door. Gen shuffled her chair closer to his as soon as the words left his mouth, her hand gripping onto his tightly as she forced a pained smile onto her face. When you’re counting down the last days of your life, you start to notice things that you never had noticed before. They’d been married for over six years, but lately he’d been catching sight of little things Gen said or did that he never picked up on before. She pursed her lips when she thought she was going to cry, her eyes turned a light shade of brown he’d never seen before when she _did_ cry, and when she told him she loved him it was the one time he knew the smile on her face was sincere. Her smiled hadn’t touched her eyes since he’d been diagnosed, but every time she told him that she loved him, Jared caught sight of the smile he fell in love with again, and it was the single most heartbreaking thing about him getting sick.

He could handle the chemo, he could handle losing his hair, and he could handle that he was going to die. What he couldn’t handle is the fact he’d stolen the light from Gen’s eyes. She had always been the happiest woman in every room, so much so you couldn’t help but look her way and feel her positivity and light. She used to laugh in such a way that made it impossible not to laugh along, her head thrown back and her mouth open wide as the most feminine, sweet laugh echoed through the room. It had been a year since he’d seen her laugh like that, and it was no one’s fault but his own. He’d taken her light, and he’d never forgive himself for it.

“Do you need some water?” Gen offered quietly, her thumb brushing against the back of his hand so lightly he barely felt it. He dared a glance down to where their hands were joined, sighing at the slightly grey tinge his skin had taken on, the bones in his hands more prominent than he’d ever seen them before. He nodded his head, letting her press the button that moved his bed so he was in a sitting position. Jared’s eyes never left her as she moved silently around the room, wanting to remember every last thing about her. Her hair was always pulled back into a messy pony tail, and it  fell forward over her shoulder when she bent down, her usually tight jeans now had a little breathing space around her hips, and she’d started shuffling her feet as she walked - though he assumed that was because of how exhausted she was. He let his eyes close, desperately trying not to dwell on all the wonderful things about her he’d taken away.

“Can we talk?” Jared asked, clearing his throat to make his voice as clear as he possibly could as he accepted the small plastic cup from his wife. Gen didn’t respond, merely moving to sit on the edge of his bed with a nod of her head. They hadn’t spoken about this. Jared had tried to talk about what was going to happen when he died when he was first diagnosed, and she’d immediately shut the conversation down. But Jared knew. He knew this was his last chance to have this conversation, and he knew that deep down – Gen knew it too. She pulled a chapstick from the back pocket of her jeans, popping the cap off and tracing it against his lips before forcing that smile that broke his heart onto her face again.

“We need to talk about what’s coming.” Jared started, ignoring the way his wife’s eyes immediately snapped shut. She let go of his hand so she could run both of her own down the length of her face, shaking her head before she opened her mouth to fight him on it. “You don’t have to talk. There are just a few things I want to say.” Jared interrupted before she had the chance to shut him down; thankful for the fact she seemed to back down. He blinked across at her, taking one more moment to memorize her face before he dared to try and speak again. There was too much to say, and the exhaustion that was rolling over him was threatening to cut whatever time they had left short. He knew there was no more time to think about what he wanted to say. He just needed to start speaking and hope it all came across how he wanted it to.

“Do you remember that ridiculous bar we went to in Texas before we started technically dating? The one with the mechanical bull? ” He asked, his heart skipping a beat when he got another glimpse at the smile he lived for, Gen nodding her head with a quiet laugh. Jared counted that as their first date, and though they’d fought more than once about why he was wrong, it was a memory he wanted to relive.

“You didn’t think a girl from California would _dare_ get up there and give it a go.” Gen recalled, still nodding her head at the fond memory of happier times.

“And you proved me wrong and got the best time of the night.” Jared chuckled, a cough breaking through the sound and shifting the energy in the room back to where it needed to be, reminding them that the stroll down memory lane wasn’t for the sake of fun. “That’s when I knew I was going to marry you. I called Jay that night and told him I’d found you. I’d found the other half of my soul.” He smiled, licking his lips and tasting Gen’s familiar strawberry chapstick on his tongue. He dared to look up at her, the pained expression on her face letting him know this whole conversation was only going to go downhill from there. He didn’t have the time to go through all the moments he knew that she was the one, but the fact he had the chance to tell her even one good enough.

“Y’know, I thought the day I married you was the best day of my life, and it was. I mean, of course it was, but I have never in my life felt joy like I did when you told me we were going to be parents.” Jared recalled, the memory of the ultrasound placed on his pillow for when he came home for hiatus so fresh in his mind that if you’d told him it happened yesterday – he’d probably believe you. “I always knew you were the one I was going to spend my life with, but finding out that I was going to get the chance to parent with you not once, but twice…” Jared trailed off, taking a deep breath as he squeezed her hand.

“I just wanted to make sure you knew that there is nothing in this world that compares to how you three make me feel.” He finished, swallowing hard around the lump that had forced its way into the back of his throat. This was harder than he’d expected. It had been weeks since he’d seen his boys, which he knew was his own fault. He didn’t want them in a hospital to begin with, but the thought of them seeing him as this broken, weak man made Jared’s skin crawl. He wanted them to remember him as the dad who ran around the backyard with them, who kissed every inch of their faces first thing in the morning, who rocked them back to sleep when they had nightmares. He wanted them to remember him for who he always wanted to be for them.

“I need you to make me a promise.” Jared started again, though the emotions that were pulsing through him in anticipation of what he was about to ask finally got the best of him. The tears that had been fighting to break free for months were finally done being held back, starting to trickle down each of his cheeks as he took a deep breath. He’d spent weeks preparing for the first half of his conversation with his wife, but no matter how hard he tried – he couldn’t bring himself to think about this part. He’d focused more energy than he cared to admit on how his illness had ruined his wife purely so he didn’t have to think about the affect the whole thing was having on their children. The two boys who had absolutely no idea what was going on, Gen and his parents merely telling them that daddy was sick and needed time to get better. But he wasn’t going to get better. This wasn’t going to get better. He cleared his throat again, again knowing that this was one of those moments that he was just going to have to push through. He didn’t want to die with regrets.

“I need you to promise me you will not let them forget me.” Jared breathed, his voice shaking with the sobs that were now making his whole body tremble. It was clear by the broken sob that escaped his wife’s chest that that was not what she was expecting. She pushed herself up off his bed, yanking her hand free from his as she moved to lean against the closed door. Her sobs echoed through the room, the sound breaking what was left of Jared’s heart. He didn’t say another word, letting her have the breakdown he knew she’d been holding back for his sake for far too long. She didn’t last long being any sort of distance from him, pushing herself off the wall and moving to sit closer on the bed than before, leaning forward to press their lips together softly. He knew that was her way of saying _I promise._

“I’m so sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry you’re going to have to deal with all the teen angst, the first dates, the first night they go out when they’re 21 – I’m sorry. I’m sorry you’re going to have to deal with that alone. You have no idea how much it kills me knowing…” He couldn’t finish, the violent sobs rolling through his body making it next to impossible for him to continue speaking. She didn’t say a word, merely shifting so she could lay beside him, Jared easily draping an arm around her shoulder and holding her close as they both bathed in the feeling of being together for the last time.

“We’re going to be okay, baby. I know. I know you’re holding on for us, but it’s okay. We’re going to be okay.” Gen promised, her own words causing her pain unlike anything else. They weren’t going to be okay. How the hell were they going to be okay? She knew though. She knew why he needed to have this conversation. He needed to know that they were going to be okay once he let go, so she offered him the slightest amount of comfort she possibly could. He’d fought hard for them for over a year, and it was finally his time for a little peace.

“You can sleep, Jare. It’s okay. Close your eyes.” Gen breathed after what felt like a lifetime, tugging the necklace that was chained around her neck off and sliding his wedding ring free from the chain. She slipped it onto his finger without another word, snuggling closer into his chest as he pressed a light kiss to the side of her head. The smell of her familiar coconut shampoo filling his senses; her warm body pressed tightly against his the only comfort he was ever going to need. He sighed quietly, knowing that he’d fought as hard as he could – but it was time to let go.

“I love you to the moon.”

“And the stars.” Jared whispered; a strange sense of calm drifting over him as he closed his eyes for the last time.


End file.
